Being me first installment

An unexamined life is not worth living. ~Socrates

I have other blogs for other people. But this one is for me. I’m speaking out to the Universe, and myself. I am sorry for being self-indulgent, but at the same time I am compelled to be so.

Something happens when a person turns forty. Either things went the way you planned and you look back on life with satisfaction to this point. Or…not. Which is where I’m at, however I don’t really blame anything or anyone. This happened because I was empty and had no real plans to speak of. I spent most of the first half of my life chasing around the illusive approval of people. Trying to do the right thing, be good, be correct, be successful. But that is not the destiny of all people. From what I’ve seen its not the destiny of many people at all. I am empty in a lot of ways and there is a couple ways to look at it. I can focus on the lack or the opportunity. Yeah there’s a void inside me of loneliness and pain that I feel but that void is also an empty space that can be filled. It’s up to me what I fill that space with.

Toxic relationships. That has been the fodder for this hole. Trying to save people when I can’t save myself. Trying to matter. Trying to take something away from the Evil that at times seems so overwhelming in the world. I want to steal from it. I want it to not be able to consume everything. That is an obsession of mine. But do I really have any kind of control over this situation of how evil is manifested in the world? No. Of course I don’t. All I can control are my own thoughts and choices. I want to be good to people yet more often than not I find myself being mean and scaring people away with my negativity.

Because being alone is less complicated.

This is my truth. The truth of me. A broken mess but still I manage to make a lot happen in one day. I still press on though I have been given no breaks or advantages whatever I have in this miserable world I fought and bled for. The good thing about that is that it can’t be taken away from me. Those experiences and the wisdom and knowledge of survival on this crazy planet cannot be taken from me. And I know that that doesn’t matter to the rest of the world. Nor do I expect it to, but it matters to me. And when I die and everyone dies one day I will have left a story behind me. Probably more of a story of what not to do instead of what to do. A story of a lot of mistakes and pain but it’s a story worth telling and ultimately that is what I asked for. To have a story worth telling. So lesson two, be careful what you wish for because it will never be what you expect, nor will it EVER happen the way you thought it would. That’s because God has a bit of a twisted sense of humor in my opinion.