Finally Forty Freewriting

(These are my random thoughts for this morning about being forty-and-a-half and the life lessons that have come from the past four decades of experience)

I’m forty-and- a- half. Remember as a child how many kids loved to add that half to their age. Somewhere around 21 after I had achieved all the “good” age milestones, is when I stopped counting down every month. Now I think Social Security and Medicare are the next things to look forward to. I thought to myself this morning, “Why not count the halves?” Why not be happy for every month I made it and who I am becoming? Many times it’s easy to focus on the messiness of becoming who you are, and not enjoy what you have become as a person. It’s took a lot to get here, many lessons to endure to come to the understandings that I have about the world. I have been in dark places in life when times were hard and options were not available to me. Other people who have been there too know what I mean.

I made it through those dark times with my soul and morals in tact. That says a lot about the Divine Intervention that takes place in my life time and time again. I am very fortunate that even in the most difficult and dangerous times in my life there was always a way through it. Some call it intuition, some Divine Intervention, many recognize it as a voice from inside that says, “Go here, stay home tonight, or this is the interview get up and make a good impression.” This is the internal guide that leads a person to the fateful moments of her life. So this has happened for me now, for forty- and -a- half years (maybe a little more) and I’m finally here.

It took me until forty to realize a lot of things about life. What to take seriously and what not to take seriously is one big lesson. I don’t take myself seriously, however I am now aware that I am capable of handling many of the serious things life throws my way. We are who we are, not what people think we are –good or bad. I know who I am now, and really that’s all that matters. That alone gives me peace. I am not the events that happened to me. I am the person who did the best she could during those times. I will not be swayed to become that which others say I should be to satisfy the false hope of having more power over my life, or love and approval, or anything else. I’ve tried that. You know what happened? Everyone around me was happy with me…and I wanted to die. I was so miserable, so depressed, I felt so empty and lost, because I was being what everyone else wanted, but I wasn’t being me. I didn’t even entertain the notion of who “me” might be until my late twenties to early thirties. At forty though, I am much more certain. You know why? Because I found out over the past few decades what I am not. I when through the “what I am not” quest, first-hand, not just theory. That’s how I know who I am now. I am still learning though, it is a constant process. I’m making progress everyday.

So many people don’t have the luxury of this discovery. The discovery of who they really are. What they would do if no one was telling them what to do. They feel like they have to know everything right away and not make mistakes. That they must jump on a career path, go with previously determined beliefs and stay with them. People feel that they must fit to a pre-packaged life. In some ways, I wish I could be that way. It might be an easier way to live. But my soul doesn’t work like that. I don’t do well in captivity. I must explore different life options the way others wear a new shirt or cut their hair in a different way. I like to live in different ways, experience different things. I believe this is part of my writer’s mind. I crave unique experiences. I crave the frontier of humanity. I want to see what’s out there. That can get a person in trouble sometimes. It is not a life that I can worry about the judgment of others, because to me, the experience is more important.

And so here I am at forty, I finally like who I am because I am more authentic. That’s not to say that I don’t have moments of thinking I’m lost or being uncertain about where life will take me. I think everyone who lives mindfully aware of her experience, is going to question herself as well as the world around her. However I have a better sense now of what I don’t want, what I don’t like. I know what makes me happy and what challenges I find fulfilling to tackle. Not everyone gets there at young age, I am a late bloomer and I’m okay with that. I am finally forty. I finally can breathe and be okay with whatever comes my way.

Why do people have to be so mean to one another?

I know I sound like a child when I ask “Why do people have to be so mean to one another?” But, I don’t think I’m the only one in the world asking this question. In the town I live in there is a really ugly political battle going on with really slimy tactics. It’s a byproduct of our society. It’s on TV too. I suppose the entertainment industry feels they are jokes or entertaining to watch people rip other people apart verbally but I get no pleasure from it.

Seriously, I don’t think it’s from being weak in any way. There’s a lot that has happened in my life to prove I’m no weakling. It’s that I don’t see what purpose cruelty serves. Isn’t life hard enough? Do we really have to be butt-heads to each other too? Is that really the best that humanity can do? I just don’t see evidence of that when I see the pyramids, the space shuttle program, the iPod for goodness sake. Or when I see Occupy Wall St. or the Arab Spring. Don’t those things prove we as people can do better? The thing is humanity is better than that. I know it. Why don’t we as humanity show that more. Or is it there and it’s just harder to experience because of all the noise out there. Noise saying the world is bad, dangerous, that people are greedy and want to kill you. That’s the message right? Why? Why is that the message instead of how beautiful people can be when given the opportunity? What’s wrong with that message? I just think it’s healthier that’s all. So many people want to leave this planet for a better place. Why not make this place a better place? Are we as people really incapable of making that happen? I really don’t know.

An unexamined life is not worth living. ~Socrates

I have other blogs for other people. But this one is for me. I’m speaking out to the Universe, and myself. I am sorry for being self-indulgent, but at the same time I am compelled to be so.

Something happens when a person turns forty. Either things went the way you planned and you look back on life with satisfaction to this point. Or…not. Which is where I’m at, however I don’t really blame anything or anyone. This happened because I was empty and had no real plans to speak of. I spent most of the first half of my life chasing around the illusive approval of people. Trying to do the right thing, be good, be correct, be successful. But that is not the destiny of all people. From what I’ve seen its not the destiny of many people at all. I am empty in a lot of ways and there is a couple ways to look at it. I can focus on the lack or the opportunity. Yeah there’s a void inside me of loneliness and pain that I feel but that void is also an empty space that can be filled. It’s up to me what I fill that space with.

Toxic relationships. That has been the fodder for this hole. Trying to save people when I can’t save myself. Trying to matter. Trying to take something away from the Evil that at times seems so overwhelming in the world. I want to steal from it. I want it to not be able to consume everything. That is an obsession of mine. But do I really have any kind of control over this situation of how evil is manifested in the world? No. Of course I don’t. All I can control are my own thoughts and choices. I want to be good to people yet more often than not I find myself being mean and scaring people away with my negativity.

Because being alone is less complicated.

This is my truth. The truth of me. A broken mess but still I manage to make a lot happen in one day. I still press on though I have been given no breaks or advantages whatever I have in this miserable world I fought and bled for. The good thing about that is that it can’t be taken away from me. Those experiences and the wisdom and knowledge of survival on this crazy planet cannot be taken from me. And I know that that doesn’t matter to the rest of the world. Nor do I expect it to, but it matters to me. And when I die and everyone dies one day I will have left a story behind me. Probably more of a story of what not to do instead of what to do. A story of a lot of mistakes and pain but it’s a story worth telling and ultimately that is what I asked for. To have a story worth telling. So lesson two, be careful what you wish for because it will never be what you expect, nor will it EVER happen the way you thought it would. That’s because God has a bit of a twisted sense of humor in my opinion.

Being me first installment

Sophia Tesch’s Blog becomes Summary of a Happy Life

Sophia Tesch’s Blog has moved please click here to be redirected.Thank you!

When I started this blog it was essentially my random thoughts. It will continue to be to some extent however now the blog will be taken to the next level. I will be inviting some guest writers in, sharing resources and opportunities for self-empowerment and creating a more satisfying and fulfilling life. As such the blog has changed from Sophia Tesch’s Blog to Summary of a Happy Life. I hope you enjoy it and find some inspiration from it.
Peace.